Highly Ineffective and Happy About It !
Loathe as I am to compile lists for this blog…because I think it’s a cheap and easy way to fill up space and I dislike organizing thoughts in general.., occasionally I come across one that’s just impossible not to share with my readership. I can say with conviction that reading this list and living by its few, basic rules has simplified my life immensely, enabling me to better cope with an increasingly complicated world. I hope they help you all as well.
Be Inactive – Time is a two-faced friend so waste as much of it as you can. It’s really your enemy and it’s sole purpose is to kill you in the end. Time is best ignored. Deadlines cause stress and stress is a proven killer. Learn to flex your schedule especially if you are unemployable or perpetually “between assignments” so that you’ll be sure to “sleep in” every morning. Highly Effective people are notorious early-risers and they’d like nothing more than to drag you up out of bed and into some miserable job with them. Highly Ineffective People know how to best apportion their precious time by throwing all of their timepieces in the toilet. (If someone ever happens to ask you, “Do you have the time?” answer “No” or “For what?” and don’t be afraid to be rude about it.)
Computers are probably the single greatest time-wasters ever invented; facebook is a marvelous “time-sink” and Googling up videos of pets being forced to act like people or do dangerous, demeaning stunts is a pastime that I can honestly say saved my life and never fails to make my day brighter. Or duller, I mean. Yeah, duller. A whole lot duller.
Begin with No Idea of Where You’re Going – Every day, I start a novel. I have about 17,000 unfinished two page novels. If you start something, it’s much more satisfying, and far less stressful, to never know where or when you’ll finish. Your life becomes less rigid, more improvisational.
Be sure you always start with the best intentions so you can fool people and compile a handy list of the (imaginary) external forces that keep you from completing your task. Call it “The Dog Ate My Homework” list. Tell people you are jinxed. Tell them the whole universe is aligned against you. Say “The Force Is Not With Me and Never Has Been” over and over again until you can actually feel the Force leaving your body and say “good riddance!” to it. Who needs you anyway, stupid Force!
Put First Things At The Bottom of the List – “First Things” are usually the most annoying because they are often “mandatory” which is an ugly word. If you have important phone calls to make, get them out of the way fast by re-scheduling them to after 5p.m. when all of the Highly Effective people are either done with work or on their way out.
This increases the likelihood that you’ll never make that all-important contact that could change your life and simultaneously disrupt your TV viewing schedule…which could actually cause you to miss “Law and Order: SUV” serial re-runs on USA channel, a crime worthy of buxom Marisa Hargitay’s investigation!
Think “Win-Win Lottery” – Unless we’re all being deceived, actual people actually do win those Mega-Millions and Powerball jackpots. One of those people could be you. Granted this would most likely happen after you’ve been struck by lightning ten times on the same day a meteorite falls through your living room ceiling and accidentally opens a rich deposit of oil reserves underneath your house but you CAN win.
Many Highly Ineffective People have their retirement funds wisely invested in the California Lottery. Note also that lottery winners always tend to be Highly Ineffective People…illegal immigrants who can’t speak English; hard-core unemployables and just plain poor folk. It follows then that you can increase your chances of winning by joining their ranks.
Seek To Be Misunderstood, so you can Misunderstand – Mumble your excuses for failure; talk gibberish and sprinkle your speech with colloquialisms of your own invention. Be sure to say “like” and “you know” after every other slurred expression.
“It’s, like, you know, I couldn’t return your phone call ‘cause, like, you know, I was pffffft! Whooosh! RRRarn’t! watching, like, SUV and it was, like, you know, Phewww! the one where Mariska Hargitay looks like a real Plain Jane and then the next show was, like, you know, the episode where she turns into a super-hottie and I was all, like, wow, she did all that without like ANY plastic surgery or like boob jobs, you know?”
I think you get the idea. Be wary of gaining knowledge or expertise; these complicate your thinking and negatively affect your mental health and your ability to stay focused on whatever TV show you are watching.
Synergize…Tomorrow – Look up the word “synergize”…tomorrow or the day after. Get your ducks out of a row as fast as possible. Disconnect “cause” from “effect” and embrace a working philosophy that everything in the world just sort of happens, like, by magic or something. Don’t go looking for the interrelationships between events. That just makes everything more confusing and complicated. Resist the urge to forge connections with people or help anybody else get anything done. And NEVER volunteer for anything especially where it might involve doing two or more things at one time. This can have serious side-effects on your mental health.
Dull Your Wits – Stop reading anything but the back of cereal boxes and whatever celebrity gossip rag you keep by the toilet. Remember what happen to that chick Eve in the Bible when she ate some berries from the Tree of Knowledge. Pretty soon she had her boyfriend Adam hooked on the stuff and together they figured out how to build the atomic bomb…which really put a damper on all the fun they used to have in Paradise.
Mix ‘n match drugs and alcohol: remember, those warning labels are put on beer cans and drug vials by Highly Effective People who want you to stay sharp and focused and actually, like, “ACCOMPLISH” stuff. Watch a LOT of TV especially reality shows where you can boo and ridicule all of the stupid, lazy people in America and feel better about yourself because you’re not one of them…even though you actually are.
Because you have worked at it. Diligently. With purpose and focus and gritty determination to make your life utterly meaningless in the grander scheme of things. Remember that “the grander scheme of things” has been working against you from the moment you were born.
There are many more things I’d like to say about becoming a Highly Ineffective Person but to continue past this point would bring me close to the end of my essay and, remember, I do not allow myself to–