I’m so fat and lazy from Christmas self-indulgence that I forgot to compile…much less think about… my annual list of New Year’s Irresolutions after a long-standing tradition that I started one year ago.
Foremost among my intentions for the year ahead is the promise to be more faithful to my blog and to expand its parameters to include stuff that actually has meaning. I aim to cut to the very meat of whatever matter I tackle whether it be an essay on how I spoon-feed my spoiled, disobedient terrier or an always-popular list of self-improvement tips for all of my fellow travelers out there, the reclusive and chronically depressed. My “base,” if you will.
This year, “Santa” stuffed an iPad into the underwear I hung by the fireplace which makes me an official member of the human race now and your newly minted, ever-plucky spot reporter. I intend to carry the thing with me wherever I go and write henceforth in the very instant where inspiration strikes. In other words, my blog will be portable and “live;” I may even bring it to sessions with my shrink on the off chance my middle-aged “man-o-pausal” moaning makes for scintillating posts.
I have handcuffed myself to the machine so I can even use it on the toilet. It’s only too bad I cannot use it in the shower where I get my absolute best vague notions and half-baked ideas.
But never mind all that. The year ahead looks to be MY year because many of the projects I’ve quietly and steadily set into motion should come to fruition…wherever the hell that is…and my ship is sure to arrive, ten years late but welcome nonetheless. At the very least, I plan to draft another chapter for my ongoing novel, a crime thriller set in Antarctica. (Working title: “Ice Cold Dead.”)
This year I am going to learn some new tricks and promptly teach the same to my dog. Said pup will also start earning her keep around here as I’m planning to farm her out as a cadaver dog given her fondness for sniffing out and bringing home stinky, dead critters. ( I think I’ve mentioned previously that she has some mysterious addiction to rolling around in roadkill. )
2013 promises to be a meaningful year in as much as I’ve reached that point in life where one starts to number one’s years and count them down with dread. “Make money!” is my new mantra for this New Year. (Other pledges along that line include “Start Stealing Stuff!” and “Master the Art of The Stick-Up!”)
Another promise: no more “naval gazing.” This year, I’m going to stare at some members of the other armed forces as well, U.S. Marines in particular, especially women in uniform who somehow give me an unprecedented chubby these days. Another function of age, I guess.
No, what I meant to say is, no more dwelling on my own concerns in this blog. I am going to spy on my neighbors and dwell on THEIR concerns, especially now that “Santa” also left me a video camera with a VERY long telephoto lens. From here forward, this blog will be dedicated to real life matters…such as the young couple in the house across the hedgerow who don’t seem to know how to close their drapery when it’s boom-boom time. They can’t seem to get enough of one another…newly-weds, I suspect…and YOU, the reader and blessed subscribers to my blog, won’t be able to get enough of THEM! I will see to it.
This will be a year of spiritual evolution for me for a number of reasons. One, I pretty much have eaten and drunk all I could hold over the holidays and my body can’t expand any more or I’ll be forced to scrap my current wardrobe for XXL kaftans and, two, because it’s time for me to re-examine my earthly priorities. I think it was Ghandi who said, “Live each day as if it were your last but learn each day as if you are immortal.”
I’m not sure what that means…get back to me on that… but right now, I think you could fit a dozen Ghandis into my khakis so I think his dietary guidelines would be more useful to me in this present incarnation.
Seriously, though… I am what is commonly called a “lapsed Catholic.” Unfortunately, these days that means I haven’t scored with any under-aged boys lately.
I cannot, in good conscience, return to the faith beaten into me by sadistic nuns and queer priests even though I know in my heart that Jesus was right on the money, philosophically. Islam is falling out of fashion really fast…at least on this side of the globe… but Judaism, the other half of my Judeo-Christian heritage is looking better and better to me. For one thing, I love the Orthodox wardrobe…all black; so slimming!.. and I gave up pork at least ten years ago so I might just be primed to join the Tribe. Any Tribe, even one of the Lost ones.
I don’t care because what I seek now is fellowship…but I’ll settle for membership, especially now that my union card has expired. In anything. Seriously.
I’m also leaning toward Zen Bhuddism because they have the catchiest aphorisms of all the religions I’ve surveyed. The only problem I have is “Being In The Moment” because every friggin’ time I try to “Stay In The Moment,” the DAMN MOMENT CHANGES!
Mostly, I would like to be true to this blog in the coming year and be more prolific for my readership of…what is it now? Twenty-one million souls? My wish for all of you is that you find peace and prosperity in the New Year and that you will each send me a dime…I’m not greedy…in return for those good wishes.
More than anything, in the coming year I want to work on becoming a better husband and father. These are the things that matter most and, if my wife will start communicating with me in some language other than semaphore…and my daughter will break up with that motorcycle gangsta’…my dreams for the year ahead may just come true after all.